It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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