Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Your cock deserves a montage
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
