She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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