I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Randomize