Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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