my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
