Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
