His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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