It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
