i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i wish my penis had a tongue
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
