I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Randomize
