we have pet lesbian snakes
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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