That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
