he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
