WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
