Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
