LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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