time to smoke my breakfast
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
