so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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