we're blogging at a bar
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
