Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
