apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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