FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
