I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize