I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Randomize
