When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
