She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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