I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
