At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
