the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
