Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
