So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
