Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
