Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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