you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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