she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
oh god was she eating orange peels again
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
