I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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