ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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