I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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