i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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