why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
