guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
