Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
