Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
