My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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