I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
