I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
