I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
