Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
