I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
