how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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