when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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