I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Randomize
