my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
