I am full of burrito and curiosity
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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