Your mouth is God's brothel.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
