i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize