Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
birth control should be required to get into college
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
