Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
